As I work on my nightly sex homework, I am unable to separate my thoughts from the vlog and all the ways I hope I can help other women, trying to rediscover their own bodies and desires. I hope all those survivors who start their healing alone can take comfort that they aren’t ever REALLY alone. We’ve all been there, and many of us are just about to be there. 🙂 So please invoke the sentiment best expressed by Ellie in Disney’s UP:
On this particular evening, I have been sharply and somewhat humorously reminded of those “bad sex” posts I read in livejournal years ago. I used to go there for the comforting idea that one day I could have so much sex, that “bad sex” was rare enough to discuss in public. My sex life was normally filled with bad, and it was always serious. It was never funny or joked about. It was my personal and romantic failure. (For more on Preston and how crazy that was, hunt the tags.) The “bad sex” posts gave this idea of happiness in the bad moments…the idea that sometimes even the “bad” is good. “Bad” could be good, or funny, or even inspirational to others.
A couple years later, this idea manifested in me as I started public speaking and being open about my own past. Now the idea is manifesting by a TriForce DIY guide for various aspects of my own healing…I fear I may be a total narcissistic Millennial or extremely pushy…however, I am extremely well-intentioned and quite awake. Have Internet, will communicate. Those still with me, keep your hands and arms inside your personal bubble, and be warned for NSAW content ahead!
>>>The following contains information and images/links concerning (and I’m not playing, please listen) masturbation, fantasies, sex, porn, periods/menstruation, sex toys, creating a mood, cleanliness, and recommendations for how to handle a good-gone-bad sex situation. Just saying. I am warning you up front and everything.<<<
Alright, if you’re STILL with me, I’m assuming you’re my target audience and can roll with me as I just lay it out like it happened. Thanks for sticking around! Shit was weird tonight-I was doing my masturbation homework (as per my own healing process), and was sad to discover that my period is still a happening thing. I haven’t gotten good-and-laid in a few days now, and just my clit wouldn’t be cutting it tonight. I needed to create a penetration sensation, but didn’t feel the need to do so in the shower. I’m greedy tonight. I want to masturbate AND have my porn going. The conflict in my mind was that masturbating while menstruating = gross unless water is running over me at the time. As with many of my mental hangups about my body/sexuality, I think it’s fine and dandy for other folks to do this. If you happen to tap that while riding the crimson wave, cool deal. More power to you! The only problem, in my mind, is if I personally were to do that. Then it’s a serious travesty of a problem, and may only be resolved by a death match. And no one wants that in this heat.
I’ve already made progress with this mental goal, I’m happy to say. 🙂 I lounged in the pages Inga wrote about periods in her book Cunt. I am proud to say I own a period towel! I also have embraced period sex to an extreme degree. (I have a policy that I don’t have long-term relationships with partners who are opposed to period sex.) I will even use my own hands while having period sex with a partner, which is -almost- like touching myself while masturbating and menstruating. It seemed that tonight’s desire would fulfill the next step once I considered these past experiences.
It seems I am fated to masturbate while bleeding, and not while in a shower. Ok, Brittany…you can do this! I’m trying to talk myself up in my head: it’s your hot body! Do what you want!
Fail. Image association: Cartman. Lame…
Trying again: Porn. Forget my scarlet nethers and just push ahead like I would any other time. I know I have the tools and knowledge to clean up afterward, so face it then. I got out my period towel, and lit a couple tealight candles. I set the mood a bit, you know…lol 😉 I know it sounds weird, but it’s a key part of my own sexuality. I need to be warmed up. I thought for a long time that “warming me up” was my partner’s job. I did little to nothing to aid them, and thus was rarely in the mood for sex naturally. (Remember-my trauma is showing: sex was dangerous for my whole childhood, so I didn’t think of it in a neutral or positive light without a couple years of work.) Then I started helping, because I found sex was better in quality when we’re both feeling good, and “both” involved my partner AND me. I could make sex better by feeling better myself…ingenius! Thus, I started warming myself up before sexy times. It also works for sexy times by myself. And don’t I deserve epic orgasms with or without a partner?! (Yes. Yes, we ALL do.)
Back to the story! I’m warming myself up. Lighting candles, turning off my loud and obnoxious lights, turning the air conditioning up so the room gets a little warmer. I got a big glass of water ready. Orgasming is hard work, and always leaves me feeling dehydrated. (Probably got something to do with being turned on, ergo wet, ergo losing fluid in a way…huh…science…) I get my toys out. I’m downsizing due to my pending move, and am down to three, maybe four sex toys that I’d use for penetration while masturbating. (Which ones? See my sex toy chart, coming soon!) I set them out, set out a couple towels, get my water-based-lube, and am ready to porn hunt.
I’ve been researching porn for about 5 years, officially. Of course I have been preconditioned in many ways. I had a stepdad who only owned Playboy calendars. I’ve seen comic books and I grew up with cable and HBO off and on. I had the working porn knowledge of a sheltered teen when I started my own research. I’m currently studying types of porn and checking the limits of my imagination and tolerance. I was going to move on to a hentai series tonight. The ones I watch (tonight I saw this for about 10 minutes) have subtitles in English, so I watch them full screen. I picked on that had English on the DVD box image, hoping it might be recorded in English. It wasn’t.
I got a new WeVibe recently (which I’m still finding reasons to love), and hadn’t yet used it with a second toy. The WeVibe can be used with a partner, and so it is kinda meant to be used with extra penetration. I was interested to see if I could fit more than one thing in me in the first place, actually. I know babies can exit there, but I have a hard time thinking of it that…stretchy.
And now, we get graphic.
I’m straddling my chair, doing my thing. It’s going well. I’m happy to have a new way to use two toys I already enjoy. It’s neat to have a new way to get off-I love, love, love that I am always coming up with new positions and ideas! It makes me feel smart and ergo sexy. Not a bad side effect. 🙂 I finish, and life is good. Yay for good sex! When I stand up to start cleaning things, I see my sexy bathrobe has been organically dyed in then lower back. Worst tramp stamp ever. My toys are (as one might expect) colored in red. I am kinda freaking out. I am gross and bloody and my white bathrobe and ew. Ew! Yuck! And I look up, for someone to share my honey badger moment, and find my gerbil in her food bowl, staring at me like I’m crazy. But then, who is looking to the gerbil for consolation?
I laughed so much that I might have woken Gerald. (Sorry, Gerald!) It was just like those posts I’d read years ago! I had just had bad sex with myself. It was good sex, really, up until the after part. lol And it’s not really BAD sex, because everything is cleanable and solvable. No one was harmed. And, to add bonus to badass, orgasms were even had. Orgasms make awesome things even more awesome! I’M AWESOME!
THIS is the kind of sex reaction I want, from times by myself and with my partner(s). I want to feel sexy but be real enough to share a laugh when life gets awkward. Life is always going to get awkward, especially at those moments when it needs to go “just right”. I feel like sex has those ideas surrounding it-that sex, and moments before and after sex, are supposed to always be “just right”. Sex is never perfect, and the memories are made in the midst of unpleasant, anyway. I bonded with myself tonight over this craziness. I’m bonding now with my own failures and downright weirdness by sharing it aloud, here and now. I’ll bond with my partner later by telling him, and laughing about how nuts I am. I could be bonding with readers, and just not know it yet.
And “perfect” sex is awkward, for me, anyways. I get messy, things get wet, things are said and cried out, names are used in passion, clothes can get ripped, bodies will function and make sounds and smells, the phone might ring, your partner might come early or not at all-anything can (and should?) happen! Perfect sex for me is unpredictable, and adventuresome, and awkward. Just so you know. These are the standards I’m working with! 🙂
And now I have had good sex go bad. And you survived hearing me explain that stuff. I have my first sexcapade blog post, too. Good times, guys. Tonight was a damn good night. And UP is over, too-what timing!
Until next time-adventure is out there!
P.S. For more on my sexcapades, check out my site!