I got little tiny bug feet, I don’t really know what bugs eat…

Watching Home Movies lately, and it’s feeding my nostalgia need. I am once again/as usual, in transition. I think I might miss Old Spag. I also think I made my first Denver friend outside of Steve’s roomie. My first Denver friend on my own steam! 🙂 And maybe just my fastest friend…I have several new friendships on low simmers. Mashawn is a quick boil. One of the many reasons to like the woman! lol 

I should be sleeping. Again. I’m not sleeping. Again.

My trip to go home has been scheduled, and I am officially starting to set up NOLA party plans. I can’t believe I’ll get to go back home and see everyone. I miss my family of friends so much…and I get time in May to go to California and see Stephie graduate. This new job is going to work out really well if I can hold life together. 

Robin Williams died. So have two members of my good friend’s family. Not too long ago another dear friend lost his father, and my friend Veronica died just last week. I feel plagued…but it’s fascinating, in the most self-centered way possible to view these situations: I’ve noticed I don’t fear death. I think it’s partly my years in the church, and partly the years of suicidal idealizations. The combination means I’m not very afraid. I’m understandable leary, but not scared.

Maybe I don’t understand the moral condition.

Maybe Wiggs has finally gotten to me, beets raining down on my thick skull.

Maybe I’m so tired that any amount of obligatory shut-eye sounds appealing.

I do fear it’s effect on my perspective. Death throes my world into sharp comparisons, and makes me want to cling here and dispose there. At the same time, I forget the reasons I fight so hard. With such drastic options being the most forthcoming, why bother to aim for the middle abyss? Who knows what the fuck is down there?

Thanks to Gary, for introducing me to the Beatles. Sometimes this one gets me through these moments of Extreme Conclusion Jumping. (Worst X-Games sport ever.)

I only have another week of balancing both jobs. Then just 6-12 months to get enough of a raise to get a car. Then I can get a better job again…this runaround may be the end of me. 

But I’m writing. So I’m breathing. I’m no longer courting insanity. lol Well…not as often. And home is close. It’s only a few months away…I can almost touch her. I wonder if she misses me too, that city I love. I think at the very least, she remembers me. That’s enough for now. 

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One thought on “I got little tiny bug feet, I don’t really know what bugs eat…

  1. The Ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus said “Death, therefore, the most awful of evils, is nothing to us, seeing that, when we are, death is not come, and, when death is come, we are not.”
    Translation: “I do not fear death. If I am still here, then death is not. If death is here then I am not.”
    I don’t fear death. I don’t want to end up with Alzheimer’s or dementia in a nursing home. For Epicurus Alzheimers or dementia would be “I am not here, death is not here, my mind is gone.”

    I’m waiting for you in the middle abyss. Pain and happiness nearby. It is said that death is the cowards way out. Not because it doesn’t take courage to do it. But because it’s taking the pain you feel and forcing everyone who loves you to take the full measure.
    If you gave all those same people only as much as they could handle. With all the people who love you we can help a lot.

    Disclaimer; it’s 02:00 am, I’m coming down off being nearly drunk, and it’s been a hell of a month so far.
    I mean everything I said, but I make no promises about it’s coherence.

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