Fortune’s wheel turns and I find myself topping. I breathe deeply, soaking it into my skin, the luminosity of a damn good time. Having my weekends back is proving to be very good for me.
I’m going to miss Watermark. I’m ready, but clinging tightly. I was afraid of Music Street, and my first home in New Orleans did end up being Carondelet. I tear up when I think of those green shutters, and I may never love a home like that again. But Watermark was close. The living room to balcony view was akin to California Street and Jonathan’s couch. I always knew I was safe here.
A common mantra I’ve noticed is “I’m always safe in my home.” It has been parroted back to me recently, showing me several things:
- I’m having more flashbacks/nightmares than I was before this month
- There’s starting to be another person there frequently enough to witness flashes and have learned how to help me resurface
- I’m redefining the word “home” and what it means in location, emotionally, and the context of it within my system
- I feel safe enough to think that I’m always safe somewhere in a reality-based time/space
I feel I’ve let Katniss and Joanna down with that last one…the shrinks have gotten to me. I feel like I’ve let C down, too. I’ve played her wrong a lot recently, and yet she persists in standing by my side, taking my hits like the most sick bitch I know.
Last night I got to see a slice of subculture in America that I’d previously been missing. It was like every dissatisfied person from a Harvest Crusade had a party, and pot was legal. I captured a moment on film that stands as a marker. I’ve seen that flag before, I thought this morning. I’ve been by this way, only it was different somehow…another slant, and different angle. The sun was just so, and now the moon. But yes, I’ve surely been by here before…I know this light. Or, I know the framing darkness.
I’ve realized there are perks to Denver for me, right now, that I am unwilling to give up. I have a window opening, and I can take an exit plan. I could go back home.
But the weight of my mind is overflowing to my body, and the last few days of escapades have left my shoulders sore.
True Blood ended last night, and I stopped 45 minutes into the episode to write. Aside from the emotional connections I feel towards Megan, Shawna, Ari, and JJ, the show only holds joy for me when Eric kills people and fucks Ginger. Although the scene with Ginger was worth this whole goddamn series, I think.
Steve showed me this weekend how I led everyone have an adventure. People have tried to explain this to me for years now, and sometimes something will bleed through. Josh and Dean most often have success there, and Hopkins did for years.
So, we were getting in the car to meet Ave, and a beer bike thing (I’ve never seen one of these before, but it’s AWESOME) went by us, loud music, people singing, and they waved us over to join them. All four of us had reached the car doors by then, but I had the car keys. Keys = control. I remember feeling my nose hurt, which meant I must have smiled big. The dry air here always makes my nose hurt when it gets moved by my smile, and I worry it’ll start to bleed. (It did the first few weeks I lived here.) I checked for cars and ran across the street, and hopped into the back of the beer bike. I felt Steve slide into me as he jumped in on my right. Jared was pushing me into Steve at the same time Matt was trying to find the last space on the bench. One gal peddling had a camera going, and I handed my phone off as a waiver got passed to Steve, and we got pictures of the first few minutes. The shock and pleasure is palpable in Matt’s eyes. It was the first time he’s seen me do something crazy like that. In the car on the way to Ave’s, I told him about the time I walked through the Quarter blowing bubbles. We ran into Chrissy that night. It made me feel proud that she saw me living in such a juicy way.
I have got to clean my apartment. My home deserves to be treated better than it has been getting treated…it treats me pretty well. But first I have to finish that episode. I have social plans tonight, and I have to at least try to vacuum before then.