It’s my second night in a row staying up past 1:30am.

I was unjustly fired from my new job yesterday. I have received support from friends and family, but it doesn’t make the circumstances fair. However, one can clearly see many layers of silver in this storm cloud. Like my nights coming back to me. The moon hangs overhead, and I let my imagination run free in the night air. I make sure it wears a jacket, though. It’s getting cool outside after dark.

I could go back to Old Spag. Molli said I have a job there, if I ever want it. But I am loving my weekends, and mornings have been treating me better than I’d expected. I want a higher income than waiting tables, and I want regular money per hour, not tips dependent on numerous judgements, namely on materials outside of my control. But the idea of retreating back to the comforting arms of my friends looks appealing. I have a small window of time to consider my options before I must have a solution. Friends have already offered suggestions and favors. I am confident in my ability to find a creative and fulfilling solution. Yes, I am. 

But not tonight. Tonight I saw the man I’m loving frequently, and with less restraint than may be wise. I’m not falling in love, because that implies a downward motion. I am only drawn upward with this person. But slowly, at my pace, and with my permission. It’s something I aim to feel worthy of receiving, because I’m not going to turn it down. It feels too good to be this close to happy. I thought after Steve, after losing so much, that it would take years to regain my confidence. A friend of mine called this relationship with Matt “opportunity knocking”. I’m answering. 

Tomorrow I set my sails to the tempestuous seas, and am preparing the ride the wave pool all the live-long day. It makes me think of Shawna, and it led me to action today. I hope I did no harm. I don’t want to harm anyone. 

Jonathan, Shawna, Steve-key totems in my life that hold such flags for my future. I fear I abused them all. I may have…

I have had release in the last 36 hours that I would not have achieved if I hadn’t been fired. I’ve felt things, and met people, and relaxed in ways that would have proven impossible if life hadn’t radically shifted at 1:05pm yesterday. I also kicked ass in smash, like whoa. Like whoa, whoa, baby, whoa! It was good. lol

I realized today that the job loss might affect the trip home. I was offered an out for that, and it was suddenly clear that I can hold my breath a bit longer. The root she has in my heart is solid, and New Orleans knows I’ll return for her. She’ll wait for me. Well, as much as she waits for anyone. New art protests spring up and the Saints start the annual parking disasters by my old spot on Carondelet, and I know she’ll keep going, with or without me. I’m always welcome, but life goes on all around. For me, too. My life goes on minute after minute, and I find my heart beats without my conscious mind. It’s nice to know some things come easily. 

A guy down the hall moved out last week, resulting in my getting a free nightstand, entertainment center, and DVD player. The entertainment center is a terribly blank looking color of light wood. I am without my paintings, and buying three primary colors is almost affordable. I certainly have some free time this week. I haven’t seen my pink figure in a while, and if home is further than it was yesterday morning, maybe an old friend is called for. I also miss my Stephie. 

My father’s estate is less settled than I was led to believe. He never ceases to lurk into my life, but now, even as new memories invade my intimacy, I’m stronger than in years past. I am starting to tap into a vibrancy that is all my own, and those who held me back had best watch the fuck out. 

It’s gonna be ok. I’m gonna be ok. It’ll be a new struggle, and a new battle in the war for a sustainable, healthy life. But I deserve that, and I can make that happen for myself. I get to be happy, goddamn it. Just try and stop me. 

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