I painted today. I got five bottles of 99 cent acrylic paint, and started to paint that entertainment center. Then Matt and I had to watch Equestria Girls and eat watermelon. He fell asleep around 8:30. I’m nearly unconscious over my laptop. But I have to write something.
Yesterday was good for me. I needed that. Tomorrow will be good for me. I am gonna find a great job. I will be positive until it works! lol
I had my cards pulled for the first time in over a year. I was advised to write, and paint, and explore my arts in depth. I don’t think of myself as an artist these days, like how I forget I’m an activist. I am still working on my basic how-do-I-pay-rent issues, so extra hasn’t come into play much yet. According to my read, I’m also supposed to be collaborating, maybe with a romantic partner. Ironic that new negotiations were started the night before. Slowly…slowly…I have time and space to ask for what I need and want.
New Orleans regained a child about 21 days ago. I feel like home is closer somehow, knowing she’s wandering the streets again.
Some people might be magic. The Penny Lanes of the world, those who carry joy and endless hope, contrasted by profound pain and harsh experience. They are magic because they need magic. People always find what they need, even if it is in an abstract, creative sorta way…I needed magic to survive as a child, and so it was shown to me. Ladybugs and crickets lit my dark path. I gave myself a way to keep going.
My sanity was confirmed by friends recently, although they said I’m hanging onto it for dear life. I think of letting go of my grip sometimes. Falling into the abyss of my mind and letting nightmares become my waking truth. I’d stop grounding, and lose the feeling of my fingers, my legs, my mouth. No more colors where they belong, but all the coke cans will turn blue and stoplights can be purple tulips! Fuck it. I see people pay tons to play with straight jackets in BDSM, but if I let go completely, I bet I can get one provided by the state.
Or I could have several years ago. Now I really like private showers and drawstrings in my hoodies. Hospitals just aren’t home. Guess I’d better get that job thing hooked up…
I think I’m getting sick. My ex-boss was sick last week. Her kids just started school and she caught who-knows-what from some other diseased minor. At least I won’t miss work if I’m sick. lol It’s funny but it’s sad.
A doctor finally called me for an appointment. Now I have to determine if I want to start sleep meds again…I think no. I sleep at least 5 hours in a row, with the worst night terrors. That’s not bad. I might be able to keep sleeping on my own. More evidence of progress. I have started to make lists of ways I’m further along than last year. Nightmares take less recovery, by hours. I can be functional within minutes after a nightmare if the sun hasn’t risen yet. And when I can’t get back to sleep, I normally stop replaying it within an hour or two. That’s at least 4-5 hours progress from this time last year.
I might Google a place to go hold puppies. That always nixes my depression. And I have to keep my chin up. Thankfully, I have an incredibly active support system.