I wrote this yesterday, and never posted it. It was titled “Fantasies and Realities”.

The juxtaposition of my life entertains me. Maybe it was being raised on both sides of the Mississippi, or maybe the results of my bipolar family, but there is a binary in my life. Sometimes I feel as if I live on a coin rather than a spectrum, where only black and white exist. I long for the grey of middle ground, but it is a thin rim that always rolls out of reach. I need to get more quarters for laundry tomorrow.

I had a date tonight with Matt, who has accidentally called me his girlfriend twice this week. I did it accidently last week. We both don’t see the need to attach a label to fix what isn’t broken, but more and more it seems to feel safe. It doesn’t look like a threat. It doesn’t quite look appealing to be tethered to the “girlfriend” label, but it doesn’t creep me out as much, either. I keep thinking about things Patty told me about opportunity, and about my reading in August. Plus, I love him. I feel proud that he loves me. Humbled, and proud…it’s a confusing and kinda wonderful feeling.

Last night I had several fantasies fulfilled, and was resoundingly reminded as to why it’s worthwhile to daydream. It’s worthwhile to take chances. It’s worth it to become vulnerable and let people treat me well, to reinforce that I deserve good things from good people, because I, too, am a good people. I have good things coming to me. I just have to allow myself to allow myself. I feel like somehow this confirms that SARK was right. My friends are right. I should stop questioning it.

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