I think that I found the connection between Blake, Eleanor, and Colleen. It’s so obvious. I don’t know how I could have missed it before…I always think it has to be sex. I always think it has to be romantic love. And usually, I’m wrong. I wonder if I’ll ever learn…
But my lack of understanding aside, I found it. They’re siblings somehow. Maybe versions of each other from different universes…I keep forgetting that in this sandbox, I can build anything.
Blake started as a story about Alex. I wanted to write it for him in the condo. I used to feel guilty about not finishing, because maybe if he’d had Blake, he wouldn’t have gone down the road that led to the Program. And Colleen was originally inspired by Allison, after Zan left and she seemed so alone. I’ve always been Eleanor. My mother’s daughter. Of course, they’re siblings.
I don’t understand my siblings. I have ideas, opinions, theories and highly educated guesses, but at the end of a very long day, I don’t understand them. It’s ok, really. They don’t understand me either.
They grew up in a world away from me. It was all the way down the hall. It may seem like less than four years and less than forty feet would be a surmountable distance. For me, it wasn’t.
I tried. But I was set aside as the oldest, and they were “the kids”. Over the years, they became my kids, if only in my mind. They are less that now than ever, but still, I struggle. I get by on mothering Steve occasionally. I’m starting to feel it towards Niki as well, and am not sure about lots of things concerning that woman…I like her. She’s good for me. I’m afraid I’m finding safe women who are good for me. First Ave, then Jordyn, and now Niki. Avedan was so difficult to absorb…I can’t imagine my life without her, but I couldn’t take it all in. Like Jared, when we first dated. I don’t deserve all this goodness, and I don’t understand what to do about it. Distance helped Jared and I, and time. I don’t do well with such open love. It brings up all my insecurities, and C always gets involved. It’s because I’m afraid.
I love my brother and sister. For a long time, they were my motivation in life. A long time. They are a part of all my favorite childhood memories.
I knew Blake and Colleen were brother and sister, because I can’t imagine Allison without Alex, and vise versa. When I had the breakthrough that Colleen was helping Eleanor through her dreams, I assumed they’d be lovers eventually. It was also around the time it came out that Dumbledore was gay, (I’m forever going to live in Harry Potter’s shadow) and I do so want relatable lesbian YA characters. Nonetheless, the two shared a bond. And Blake needs Eleanor to get out. She needs him to solve the puzzle. The three are intimately weaved together.
I really should have seen it before now. Huh.