I should be sleeping, but I’m not.

I’m tired, and need to sleep. I made the mistake of taking a bath, and now I have the awakes. My head is running past thoughts on a treadmill, and I am cycling through the same ideas with the same problem. This road leads nowhere. I need to walk it off a minute.

I played decent smash tonight. I miss the game. I think it is what I want most for Christmas-smash and a TV to play it on. I might just ask Santa.

I wonder if melding is just finding my common denominators. I think that might be what happiness is. Reducing, reducing, reducing until you are left with the most direct conversion. Don’t you think?

So much of my identity is on hold for the next eleven days. I feel like Alice, waiting to be found as the world is slowly erased around me. I am still here, and I am hopeful, but I am most easily overlooked in this place.

Matt will be here tomorrow. We’re talking about taking things to a new level in June. All the old concerns swarm around the concept, mosquitos to a bug zapper. Occasionally a loud pop startles me and I am presented with time passing. Life evolves and changes and moves ever closer to the light. If I am too close to happy, will I explode? At that point, will I care?

I need to do better with food. Having such pains got me neglectful. This must change.

Sleep circles me, the dark panther just outside of sight. How I wish she’d pounce and put me out of my misery.

I want to make it back to bed. I’m not alone tonight, and as nervous as I am, I think I feel more encouragedĀ than scared. Still, slow might not be a bad thing. I rarely regret going slow.

My eyes miss Jared’s smile. That shy one, when I touch on a point that he’s proud of, but doesn’t want to seem too proud. I miss that one most tonight.

Grandma in CA had a birthday today. I got to see pictures of their new puppy. My grandma is starting to look older to me…it’s weird. I don’t think of her as old. One day she will finish aging, and I will notice how long it’s been since I last visited. Why do we notice that after the person in mind can no longer notice? I feel that is when it matters least of all.

Maybe I’ll just put on a movie, and try and sleep here. If I wake up, I can go to bed then…I feel slightly lame for feeling this questiony about things…

Tonight it was all happening. I need to write to Shawna about it. About so much, really. I start so many emails, and send so few. Words, when re-read, sound so hollow and pointless. I’m my own worst critic not because I’m mean to myself, but because I’m unable to be impartial.

Popcorn. Popcorn, then sleep. Maybe food will soothe me…I really should have cookies for times like this…

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