It is beyond good to be me. I am warm tonight, with good food and a fluffy French frog. I have more support than I am aware of, and I see more people lining up to have my back than ever before. It’s striking. I am composed of atoms of gratitude, comfort, and hope. It’s gonna be ok. It’s all gonna be ok.
With the news from MO comes my longing for John Oliver. But I think despite British accents and rational anger, I won’t be able to understand the world.
A lady contacted me today seeking an authority on women’s’ rights. I felt privileged and quickly redirected her to a more relevant and useful source. That I am counted among that number is another reason I love my life.
I’m going to a company Xmas party for the first time. It sounds like the type of event that Shelley Cuellar owned ball gowns for, and I am nervous about everything. Thankfully, I had a fantastic party last week, and am trying to preparing myself for social occasions outside of a kink community. I’m telling people that I am a writer. It is, the strictest sense, true. I do write. Frequently, and with many misspellings.
Yesterday I was sauntering the line between wildly productive and expressly social. I lost a chess game and won a handshake. I created sustenance and shared a talent with someone who sees value in places I overlook. I watched my friend dance around my kitchen and made up nicknames for standard Colorado-living tools. I revealed another layer to the world and was met with respect and acceptance. It was a pretty great night.
Over the weekend I combed through someone’s hair with my fingers as she fell asleep. I was embraced with affection and passion. Someone kissed me on the cheek and made me smile.
Tonight I stood in a small circle of friends discussing plans we have coming up. I was asked after my health and offered assistance. I was complimented and made to feel special. I was treated with gentle skill, surrounded by giggling, calm instructions, and friends catching up. I added to a project that represents my progress, and was told that I was good in such a casual way that I didn’t notice it beyond confirming, “Yeah, I like me, too.”
If any of these recent events had been given to me, I’d be considered blessed. But this is the raw material that makes up my life. I walk through spiderweb veils that shelter me from the brutal world. I don’t know why I’m being lifted up by so many, why I am given so many stepping stones, thrown under my foot right before I slip into the falls, but I am. I am supported as I make this journey.
It wasn’t always this way. Part of me wants to think that it was always this good, and the key change is my ability to bask in the awareness of it all. But I disagree…it wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t always this way. It has been a new experience every time, even if some common themes prevail. I have never been in this time, in this place, with this experience before; nor will I again. Hence the need to stop and look around. It wasn’t always like it is now, and it’s not always going to stay like this. Things will get better, and then worse, and then change still. I must be grateful for each experience, and trust that in the end, I can figure out a decent move.
My friend Max is coming to visit. I think I mentioned it to New Nathan about 6 times last night. lol I am so excited! It would only be better if Margaret was coming, too. And maybe everyone else from home…and if they drove up together in a corvette caravan…and I also suddenly got free parking right outside my apartment. But Max alone is pretty damn exciting.
I’m going without my heart, but I’m still going to see Santa this year. I’m gonna ask for a Smash cartridge and a TV to play on. I’m pretty sure he’ll hook it up. I have been a very good girl. Niki said she’d go with me. We’re gonna get our picture made and everything.
If you read my blog, please know that I appreciate it. It makes me feel valid. Thank you for that.