I feel like this is something that only Dean would know about me…lol…almost always, when I’m at home, I’m drinking watered down Crystal Light. It’s one of my best grounding techniques, and has become essential for my life in Denver. Corey taught me about cutting juice in half with water, (it’s best with grape juice and sparkling water) and cutting Crystal Light with tap water is cheaper. I still drink sodas, but I can’t cut them with water because that is gross. It’s like diet ice cream, and goes against my personal code of food ethics.
I was geeking out on this article from my friend Carey and got all touchy-feely about sweet tea, and what it has been through my life. Right now it’s a Crystal Light sweet tea, watered down and chilled by the Colorado air. In 2010, it was Teavana with Nathan Wallo, sitting on the couch and watching the passers-by on Carondelet. In 2005, it was from the Chimes by LSU during my breaks at Baskin Robbins. In 2002 my mom made it for me and my sister, who were the only people who could keep it down; Stephie always said it made her feel sick. I remember being eight years old and having my dentist, Dr. Suzy, explain I shouldn’t drink iced tea too much because it was staining my teeth. lol I can’t remember a time without this beverage in my life. It’s a trivial way I’ve connected to the human experience.
I think that might be what grounding is, really. A seemingly insignificant tether to the human experience, however it may come. Since Denver, and especially losing the dynamic I had with Steve, I had to revisit grounding. I think I keep spiraling through healing, and every time I revisit a topic, I’m in a new loop of the spiral. I’ve already been here and learned some of this, but now I see a new layer. Like years at the alethiometer. I tell the story about feeling a satsuma a lot, because it was my grounding foundation. Now I find myself grounding to my body in deeper ways, grounding my experiences, the collection of my selves, and rooting into my physical form. I feel emotions sometimes. I get cold and sad together, and warm with fear-do all people pair emotions with sensations? Or is it written on us by our pasts?
Mardi Gras is in a little less than two weeks, and I miss home so much it aches. I can feel the place in my soul where New Orleans fits, and sometimes it pulses and I feel my body need to compensate. Not like a drive to cut or anything, but a different sort of craving. The air in CO is light and lifts my heart, but I miss the weight of the south on my shoulders. I love being in a place where I don’t worry about my rights as a woman even half as much, where education is taken seriously and people value equality on the whole, but I’m making no difference; running is not solving, and women are suffering. I can’t tune it out forever. I feel insanely selfish to have taken years-years now-exploring and self-serving and pouring myself into stretching my legs. I worked so hard at healing, and I had to see what I could do. And I fucking rock, guys…I got this shit. It’s not easy, and I fuck it up a lot, but damn. So worth it. Worth every last second.
And I won’t give it up yet.