I haven’t written in too long.

Two days is too long. That’s a good sign. When ideas start pouring out of me on scraps of paper towel, it’s officially been too long since I’ve written.

I am inspired by love on this Valentine’s day, and am closer than ever to embracing love on boundless terms.

My sweet Jared gives me gifts upon gifts, and shoes to boot. All of the tokens of affection never bring me as much joy as his mind and his opinion. He is constantly pushing my boundaries of what it means to be free, self-aware, and treasured. He challenges my mind and my idea of art and life and then gives me credit for creativity or wisdom. I am a blessed Mistress indeed.

Matt surprised me today with breakfast (while I got to sleep in) and then took me tubing. He is responsible for at least half of my CO adventures, and bolsters me higher to my goals. I’m constantly accepted by him without judgement or irony. He is devoted to me in ways that I am aware I don’t fully understand, but stands strong in his convictions and responsible self-interest. I find myself smiling throughout my days remembering his laugh. His strength overflows into me, and I am a better woman for our time together.

A girl I’ve been seeing for some months now, Niki, adores me. Her adoration manifests in her unwavering support of my self-expression. Even when it’s not something she shares, her loyalty is to my truth and safety. Niki sets the most shining example of self-aware acceptance. I am finding deeper melds and facing incredible odds, stronger with her flying alongside me. If I am Rainbow Dash, she’s my Fluttershy, and I am surrounded by the magic of friendship.

I’m completely smitten with a man who I fantasize is the Daario to my Khaleesi. He is the strong, silent man I never knew I wanted. It’s new and slow-moving, and a greater comfort to me than most of life at the moment.

And beyond-the women and men who share my life and get me through my days. I am in love with everyone I have in my life. I love Avedan’s beautiful smile when she makes eye contact with me after a few weeks. I love New Nathan’s competitive smash talk. I love Steve’s unending support of Bree. I love the deepening relationships with my family, and miss my Ma-Ma and JJ.

I have a web of silk that acts as a catch as I balance over the void, and it is made up of my connections to my friends.

And I love myself, for all the growth I’ve accomplished this year. I love myself for my continued attempts at a life on my own terms. I love myself for the ability to stay alive in the numbing cold. I love my strength, my humor, and my perseverance. I love my ingenuity.

I also love Civ 5, which I recently become obsessed with. This is mostly due to the fact that I have officially left the sushi gig and now have no scheduled reason to wake up, or to go to sleep. On the bright side, I have only fallen away socially from most of my friends, and haven’t stopped eating completely. My depressions are getting far more manageable. And, as my faithful friend Dean pointed out to me recently, I do already have a plan. But last week sucked, and I am reserving the right to hide away for a spell if I feel the need. Giving myself some cushion there should help me correct the sleeping/waking thing sooner, I am hoping…or telling myself.

I am debating making cookies again. That’d be twice in a week. I am filling my recent sushi-waitress-shaped life hole with chocolate chip cookies. Delicious chocolate chip cookies. I’m not even sorry.


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