The End of my Year on Poet’s Row

I’ve been doing well with sleep, but tonight I am struggling. Maybe it’s that I got a hybrid and not pure indica, or maybe it’s that I can hear Matt snoring from his couch, or maybe it’s that my mind won’t stop racing, and I haven’t soaked in a tub in about a week. Despite my fire signs, I need to be kept in pools of warm water. I need humidity in controlled doses. It’s like I crave a tropical fix in my blood from too many years in New Orleans. I’m ruined in all the best ways.

Tomorrow I grab the contents of my fridge, the last of the stuffed animals, the red heels from my closet floor, and depart Cap Hill. I would’ve stayed longer, but I’m glad I had the time I did. And I’m not leaving Denver. There are more mountain adventures to be had! (I haven’t even been to South Park yet.) I’ll be living with a man I’ve been dating for about a year and a half now. He’s a good man and despite his occasional sticky-boyness, he’ll be a great housemate. We’ll each have our own bedroom and bathroom, and there’s a balcony for plants to get sunshine and a wood-burning fireplace for s’mores. It’s gonna be fantastic.

Nonetheless, I’m conflicted about the move. I don’t want it. I dragged my feet so much that my friends basically moved me, because they love me and know I needed to freaking move. So I will. And I’ll probably love the new place. But for now, I’m slightly pouty about it.

Until the new place is ready, on the 26th, I’m crashing with Matt in his basement apartment. It’s cool and soft, and I am getting outside in the sunshine. I can walk to the Safeway or Walgreens, and I want for nothing. I’m a pampered bunny.

And yet here I sit, up too late, unable to sleep, despite needing to be up for the last Cap Hill run tomorrow. I’m even tired, but my thoughts on repeat keep me conscious.

I miss Jared. And Steph.

I’m trying to stop isolating. And I’m doing better. The System thinks I’m gonna crack if I don’t rest. I don’t want to let everyone down. I can rest on Friday again. And I did fairly well today.

Katniss just got through her interview, where Peeta announced his love to all of their world. It’s been over a year since I last listened to The Hunger Games. I’m trying to go back to the basics, restore my soul before I run out completely. It’s a relief to hear inside Katniss’s head again. Like visiting an old friend, and seeing that some things never change. Only in fiction can I cling to that security blanket of an idea.

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