I don’t know if I’ll ever stop relating to that series.

I love The Hunger Games series. I love it so freaking much, I can’t even tell you. It’s brilliant and amazing and explains what healing from PTSD looks like in the scary, graphic terms that validates my own experience.

-spoilers ahead, if you’ve never read the books-

I just finished listening to Mockingjay for maybe the 19th time in my life. I drift in and out of the familiar narration tones and geek out about how Suzanne Collins captured my early healing process through Peta’s tracker jacker issues. Katniss expresses all my fears when Peta finally sees her for “what she really is” and I can see what my friends see in me.

I am the moments of this book.

I hope I can write like that one day. That someone will read it and just be blown away that their own experience has been re-mastered into fiction.

I spent the day is a lesser stupor than last night. I didn’t get sick to my stomach, which I’m playing up as a huge victory to soothe the fact that it was a lost day. But I maintained a few Snapchats with my sister and I ate a decent meal. I wasn’t a complete failure. I emailed Niki and texted more than two people also.

Being more-or-less ok makes having issues harder, because I’m out of practice. I’m thrown off and while I recover faster, the extended layers of guilt for failing after coming so far deepen. The recovery is faster but the long-term issues extend. I can heal myself at the expense of myself.

In the end, I feel like Katniss. I think of it as a game. It always was, wasn’t it? And there are such worse games to play than this sham of adulthood. This game does sap my soul at times, but I have so many more tools to create my corner of delusion.

Maybe I’m not making any sense. I’m so tired. I can’t figure out what’s really happening for sure. I don’t know if I want to know. What if there are more memories? I mean christ almighty, how many can there be?! I didn’t live with him more than 5 weeks a year! And if it’s been blocked this long, why the fuck do I need it now? What purpose does it serve to sit in these moments of fear and panic to fight nausea and in the end, I have 15 seconds of recalled, blurry horror? Why? Then I don’t want any man to be near me and I push away everyone I love because I feel dirty. Me! I didn’t even do anything!

It’s stupid and I hate it.

I still have 12 days left on the audio books. I might just hide for 12 days and relisten and relisten and take over the world with every leader on Civ 5 and just not be. I won’t die, I won’t cut, I’ll even eat and not puke. Just don’t make me think. I don’t want anything else in my head. I can’t have anything else right now.

Yeah. I’m so doing that.

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