I watched the end of season 6 of Adventure Time, and I feel like I got sharp reminder of my size in the world.
The lights of Denver twinkle out across my balcony. Suburban traffic whirs softly between me and my old apartment. I can hear Matt snoring occasionally, when it’s momentarily loud enough to pass through the walls. I hear crickets between cars on the road. I’m not always alone in the restless night though, as Dany wakes frequently. I think insomniac company bonds people quicker than normal company. Like smoking or drinking together does to folks.
As I get older, I am more comfortable with myself. I don’t feel as much of a need to impact the universe in a big way. I wonder and worry that this is the start of a notion that leads one to reproduction. That I can make a “bigger” impact in smaller ways. I don’t need to change it all, but playing my small part well has become my goal instead. Does that mean I’ve accepted failure and just resigned myself to it, or am I adjusting as a rational person should?
I started doing situps again last night. I basically quit my exercise and writing routines with Ma-Ma died. My hurt my back and now can’t do any again.
For my birthday, I got cards from two of my southern aunts. I was surprised, and surprised that I was surprised. I didn’t think they’d write me off, but then again, now they “can” if they want. One especially made it clear that we didn’t need to be close. Maybe with my grandparents gone, they don’t care what I say about Jim? Should I take that to confirm what I’ve been saying, to deny it, or not even try to read into things? After last weekend with Matt’s folks, I’m inclined to not read deeply.
More and more, I think I’m the only one who sees me as the center. Not many other people give me THAT much thought. Do not hear that I’m unwanted or unloved, but rather, realistically, everyone is fairly self-centered. I know I am. (And we all match me, right? lol See?!) People love me and think of me, and a handful think of me often, but mostly, people are just trying to survive their own battles. People are not watching me that much. I can save so much anxiety and energy if I quit panicking about imaginary things. It’s a relief, really, to know I’m not the focus. Of course, maybe it’s just a relief because I have people who will make me the focus if I needed to be.
I am insanely spoiled and fortunate and blessed, etc. All the good things are mine. 🙂
I was proud of myself tonight. I held my ground in the face of possible judgement, and most definitely in the face of fear. I did so sober, without a therapist in my life, and fully in a safe, consensual, empowering way. I kinda rock.
It’s bedtime. Even Dany stopped doing her weird wheel thing. But this writing thing…I gotta get back to it. Even if I’m just a croak dream away from it all, I still exist.